A few weeks ago now, something happened. I won’t get into it too much, but let’s just say that something I had planned for and been terribly excited and happy about, went all wrong. Since then I’ve really struggled to keep my head up, I’ve fallen into a way of thinking and being which has been self-destructive and disheartening, culminating in a lot of Gilmore Girls and apathy and very little productivity in the areas of my life that I wanted to focus on.
Right now, I really, really want to snap out of it. I want to get back to the good place I was in before this all happened. I want to feel happy and content, and like I am moving in the right direction. I want to be able to account for my thoughts and actions, to feel like there is a purpose to my days. I’ve actually got quite a few balls in the air right now, and the last thing I want to do is drop them all and have to start from scratch yet again.
I know that the first thing I need to do in order to move forwards is forgive myself for the last few weeks. For what happened and for the way I reacted to it. The downtime was a necessity. I needed to rest after I had a shock to the system, and that is okay. Next, I need to re-focus. To get my eyes back on the prize.
I really, really, really want to do well on my course (my course which I have yet to tell you about, but will soon do a post on). I want to do my best with the assignments that have started now, and I want to be in a good place mentally when I go down to Oslo in a month for the start of classes and lectures.
I want to get back into a healthy and happy lifestyle. This summer I was just so on track with this whole new life I had set up for myself in the country side. It’s hard to put my finger on exactly what it was, but there was something about the pace I was going at, the simple routines and the slow and steady passing of time. The quiet days at the library, all the reading I was doing, my sunset jogging trips, the time spent on forest walks, all the photography and blogging I was getting done, the driving lessons I was taking, the writing I was doing, the amazing feeling of having a level head on my shoulders, it all came together and made me feel like I was doing well and living the kind of life that I could feel happy about.
Now I want to snap out of the negative thought patterns I have been falling into over the last few weeks, and instead move into autumn in a positive way. I want to get things done. I had my first riding lesson in years the other day, we rode up the mountain and into the forest, and it felt so wonderful to be there, feeling the horse beneath me, the sunrays glimmering in through the trees and onto my face, almost seeing the leaves turning orange before my eyes. I felt like maybe, if this time I just stay focused, if I really try my hardest, I can keep it together.
So I want to mark a change in my mind, a new determination to live in a healthy mind and body, a decision to be in control of my own destiny. I know I’m sounding a little melo-dramatic, but I feel very strongly that I don’t want to mess things up this time around, and I wanted to put it in writing that I’m not going to. So there you are, I hereby declare that I will take control of my life, and move forwards with positivity and productivity.
The photos are from Kew Gardens, and were actually taken on what was a bit of a bad day for me mentally, so it just goes to show that there can be beauty in sadness, because look at all the beautiful colours and light I was surrounded by while in the midst of my awful thoughts. So maybe one day I can also look back on this disheartened time and see some value and wisdom shining through retrospectively.